I won’t sugar coat it, I was in desperate need for something to change.
I had 2 kids under 2, post-natal depression, recurrent bronchitis and chronic back pain. You might imagine the next sentence to be something like… then entered doTERRA, and everything was peachy.
But truth be told, I’d had at least 5-6 ‘brushes’ with doTERRA before I actually started listening to the universe and said “OK YES….GIMMI THOSE DAMN OILS!”
I had decided that while I loved being a mum, I needed more…
A few months back I started my journey of Self Love.
More specifically I started implementing strategies to remind myself to Love Me.
Instead of dwelling on the negative things in my life that I don’t like and constantly criticizing myself for not being good enough, I spent more time thinking about the things I love doing and pointing out to myself the things I am good (sometimes even great) at.
Getting crafty again came from throwing around an idea that I might shout myself a beautiful crystal macramé necklace with the spending money hubby and I each get from our tax return (you know, that tinsy little bit that doesn’t have to go on bills or paying off the credit cards).
I looked at a few gorgeous crystal necklaces online and in stores ranging from $24-45, and thought “you know what… I’m crafty as fuck, I’ll bet I can make that myself”…
My Love, I forget that the last few years have been a huge game changer for you too.
Not just because you are a man, and let’s face it, you weren’t the one who had to carry and give birth to our two beautiful little girls. I simply forget because everything you do you still do with such certainty and assurance.
I forget that some days you are genuinely worried the girls don’t like you. I forget because there are multiple times a day I am positive they don’t like me (usually because I told them ‘No’ or lost it and yelled at them, again), but it’s easier for me not to worry because I know our bond is so strong because I had the privilege of growing them, I got to feel them like acrobats in my tummy, because they were a part of me each and every second for a whole 42 weeks- before you even got a look in…
A 2 year old will always crush you in a power battle, period.
The breakfast battle has been going on for quite some time now, and when she digs her heels in and says I don’t want to eat breakfast, I have buckleys of winning this one.
We draw our swords and battle at breakfast. We battle at lunch. We battle at dinner.
By night time I am exhausted, and completely beat down…
Some days I really struggle to get food into my toddler.
I know I shouldn’t force it, I know she won’t starve, but I just kinda freak out when all she says is no to food…
My mum and I have had a somewhat disjointed relationship.
Growing up with my dad and spending a lot of time apart from mum, it was easy to fantasise about the relationship I thought we should have, and about the type of mother she should be.
And being a typical kid, it was easy to get disappointed when said fantasy didn’t play out the way I expected, or wanted.
I wanted the mum you saw on TV shows, the one that spent the day while we were at school baking and had afternoon tea on the table for us when we ran in the door, the one that spent her weekends completely present with and focused on us, the one who always laughed and never cried…not the one who rode a Harley, drank beer, and listened to country music….
Have you ever suffered an Identity Crisis?
One day you wake up and realise you have absolutely no idea who you are.
Your day now revolves around changing nappies, the ‘eat your breakfast’ fight, picking up toys, colouring with crayons, washing dishes, washing clothes, the ‘eat your lunch’ fight, building with blocks, more dirty nappies, pick up more toys, more washing, the ‘eat your dinner’ fight, bedtime stories, washing dishes, pick up more toys, and while it’s amazing to have these beautiful little humans to spend your days with have you ever just wondered…
I didn’t even know Pre-Natal Depression was a thing.
Sure, everyone has heard of Post-Natal Depression but I actually thought I was taking the piss when I burst into tears (again) at my midwife appointment and sobbed “I think I have Pre-Natal Depression, I just can’t stop crying, every day, I’m crying, and I’m angry ’cause I’m crying, then I’m angry ’cause I’m angry, then I just cry some more”.
Up until that point I had just put it down to stress…
Earlier that year we made the big decision to sell our home and move closer to the water. Three days after that decision I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, and my first had just turned 1. The following week an offer was put on our house and we accepted. So we scurried to find our new family home…hubby had his eye on one place right on the water and we offered our top price even though we thought they would probably reject it but we just knew we would always wonder if we never just did it…
My firstborn is going through the Terrible Two’s…
Oh and don’t I know it. She was most certainly blessed with her Mumma’s determination to get her own way (ALL of the time), and feisty give-no-shits attitude.
At first I thought having two daughters was some mean Karmic intervention.
I am not proud to say that I was not always a little darling to my parents, lord knows I gave all three of them their own significant portion of their own personal hell…
Who Am I?
Wow this is actually such a confronting and difficult question to answer….
I am a mum.
I am a wife.
I am a daughter, a sister, and a friend.
I am scared shitless that everything I ‘do’ is wrong, or that I’ll fail epically.
I am on a path to change that…